


Missing You

by benjji2795



Series: Jonnor [12]
Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-19
Updated: 2015-08-19
Packaged: 2018-04-15 15:01:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4611144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benjji2795/pseuds/benjji2795
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Not having Connor physically with him was harder to handle than Jude could've ever imagined</p>
            </blockquote>





	Missing You

**Author's Note:**

> This is sort of a canon-ish, possible version of events for when Connor moves in with his mom. I'm not sure how "in-character" Jude and Connor's reactions in the story are, though I feel that since we've never really seen them separated since they became boyfriends, I'm allowed to take a little bit of liberty with that. Also I chose Mary as Connor's mom's name because I'd seen it in another fic and I thought it fit well.
> 
> There are a couple pretty heartbreaking moments in this fic; I was crying at points when I was writing it. I hope you have your tissues ready!

Jude never thought it was possible to miss someone so much it physically hurt.  But the ever-present dull ache in his chest proved that it was.  The soreness all over his body from tossing and turning every night proved that it was.  The pounding in his head from lack of sleep proved it was.

 

He’d only been gone for four days, and yet Jude felt as if his entire body was being ripped apart from the pain of missing him.  Jude couldn’t decide if he wanted to bury his head in his pillow and cry, or tear apart his room in rage, or simply sit on his bed numbly, trying to not feel anything at all.

 

They weren’t even really apart; they were texting each other every single waking second, calling whenever it was possible.  They hadn’t skyped or facetimed though, something Jude was grateful for, because as long as Connor didn’t see his face, he had no way of knowing his very being was falling to pieces without him.  When it was just words tapped out on a screen, his voice crackling through a speaker, he could act as if everything was fine.  But his ragged appearance gave it all away; Jude was anything but fine.

 

Today, Jude was sitting on his bed, clicking away at his phone, him and Connor sending each other wave after wave of messages back and forth.

 

“Hey bubba,” his mama said, leaning on the doorframe, watching Jude.  Jude nodded curtly, acknowledging her presence but not removing his eyes from the glowing display in his hands.  “How are you doing?” she asked, sitting on Jude’s bed, gently pushing the phone into his lap, lifting his head so that his eyes met hers.

 

“I’m alright,” Jude mumbled, looking everywhere but at his mama’s face.  That gaze was piercing right through him, and if he met her eyes, Jude knew he would break down.

 

“Jude, honey, I can only imagine how hard this must be,” Lena continued softly.  “But you can’t just put your whole life on hold because he’s gone.”  Silence from Jude.  “Maybe you would feel better if you talked about all this with him.”

 

“I can’t,” Jude whispered.  “He already feels guilty enough about leaving without him knowing—well this,” he added, gesturing to himself, referring to his state of mind and his appearance.

 

“Jude, it’s not healthy to keep secrets like this in a relationship,” Lena explained.  She had only just recently had a huge secret nearly blow up in her face.  Never did she want any kind of secret possibly destroying Jude and Connor’s relationship.  Lena knew they had to talk about this.

 

“Mama, please,” Jude said, his voice wavering as his eyes started to gloss over.  “I just can’t tell him.  If I do, he’s going to want to come back.  I won’t let him do that.  I love him too much to be that selfish; he needs to be with her.  But God, I want to be selfish, so badly!”  Lena pondered what to say for a moment while drawing her crying son into her arms; she knew that Jude’s feelings for Connor were strong, but she didn’t expect that they were that fierce.  Those words, combined with the knowledge that Jude had let Connor go against everything he wanted to do, was a sign that Jude was truly in love; but she knew that true love was no comfort right now.  Being in love could only ever make it worse.  So rather than say anything at all, she simply held him, stroking his back and letting him cry into her shoulder.

 

One hundred and fifty miles away, Connor stood in the living room of his mom’s house, color draining from his face as he listened to his boyfriend crying through the phone, hearing an exchange that he was never supposed to.  He had been so excited to talk to him when his phone had blared, Jude’s ringtone filling the room.  Talking to Jude was the highlight of his day; it made missing him a little more bearable.  His heart had shattered the day he left, and now, answering the call, hearing Jude blubber about how much he missed him, how much it hurt, he could feel the shards falling piece by piece with every tear that Jude cried, like the broken glass in a window slowly tumbling from the frame.  Connor couldn’t help his own tears, flowing from his eyes like a raging river, falling to the floor as the sobs shook his whole body.

 

From the kitchen, Mary Stevens could hear her son, and felt her heart breaking for him.  She leaned up against the counter, taking a few shaky breaths and composing herself before going out into the living room to give Connor the shoulder he needed to cry on.  She sat on the floor next to him, using her arms to guide his head onto her shoulder, wondering how long Connor could last at her house like this.

 

Connor couldn’t bring himself to pull the phone from his ear, no matter how much it killed him to hear what was happening on the other end.  Jude’s loud wails blasted through the speaker and pierced his eardrum, but he didn’t care.  He didn’t know how long he was listening, when he heard the sniffling get louder.

 

Jude stared at the phone in his lap after his mama had left the room, the screen indicating a call to Connor, totaling 47 minutes, almost to the second, the whole time he had been talking to his mama.  Slowly, he raised the receiver to his ear, the sounds of heavy breathing and muffled sobs assaulting his brain.

 

“C-C-Connor?” Jude stuttered, hoping there would be no reply.  Hoping that what he was hearing coming from the other end was his imagination.  Hoping that Connor hadn’t heard the last forty-seven minutes.

 

“Jude,” Connor gasped, and that was all Jude needed to dissolve into tears again, throwing his body down onto his bed.  He didn’t have the strength to hold his head up anymore.  He gathered up the blankets on his mattress, tightly wrapping his body around them, wishing that Connor would materialize in his embrace, crying to the sounds of Connor’s bawling in his ear.

 

An hour later, once they had both cried themselves out, Jude finally spoke up.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly, “for not telling you how awful I was feeling and for saying those selfish things.  I—I just miss you so much.”

 

“I miss you too,” Connor sniffled.  “I don’t know that I want to stay here.”

 

“Connor, you have to,” Jude implored.  “It doesn’t matter how much I miss you, you have to be in the safest place for you.  And that’s where you are, right now.”

 

“It almost hurts more, missing you, than it hurt to be with my dad, Jude,” Connor explained, sounding as if he was trying to convince himself into coming back.

 

“Connor,” Jude said firmly, “you said almost, which means it doesn’t hurt more.  That means you have to stay; this is only going to hurt for a little while, right?  And then it’ll get easier,” Jude continued, though his voice wasn’t so strong by the end.  He wasn’t convinced that the pain of missing Connor physically being with him was ever going away.

 

 

Eight days since Connor had left, and he was certain that the dull ache in his heart was there to stay, for as long as Connor was gone.  He had hoped that with more time, it would subside, but in these last four days it had only served to intensify.  Jude had managed to at least leave his room, and act like things were semi-normal, even though without Connor things never could be.

 

Every day since that phone call, Connor spent the whole time lying in bed, contemplating his decision to come live with his mom.  Had he known how hard this was going to be, he would’ve sucked it up and just dealt with his dad; it couldn’t have been any worse than this, could it?

 

Down in the kitchen, Mary sat on the phone with Stef and Lena, trying to figure out just how to ease their sons’ pain.  In the eight days since Connor had come to live with her, she had already gotten very close to the two women that were the mothers to her son’s love.  Mary was not her ex-husband and she was determined that Connor would not have any experiences that were even remotely similar to the ones he had at his dad’s, and in order to ensure that she had taken it upon herself to get to know Jude’s parents.  If they worked together, maybe somehow they could make this easier.  She wished that she was in a position to move to San Diego, so Connor could have both of the things he needed: her and Jude.

 

“They need to visit each other, soon,” Stef said, interrupting her thoughts.  Stef felt that the only thing that would make either of them feel better was closing the gap between them.

 

“It’s still summer,” Mary commented.  “They have time, if you’re okay with having him over for a few days, I could have Connor take the train to see him.”  Mary heard a sigh come from one of the women on the phone with her.

 

“We’d love to have him Mary, you know that, but I’m afraid that letting them see each other so soon would only make things worse once they have to part again,” Lena said, describing her hesitation.

 

“Trust me love, it’s going to get worse if they don’t see each other too,” Stef addressed her wife.  “Imagine if we were in the same position.”

 

“So what you’re telling me is that we’re stuck in a lose-lose situation?” Lena asked, seriously imagining what it would be like to be separated from Stef like that.  Just the thought alone was almost enough to make Lena burst into tears.

 

“I’m afraid so,” Mary responded.

 

“Okay, well then, in that case, it’s probably better for them to see each other,” Lena conceded, tightly clutching her wife sitting next to her.  It was heartbreaking to see what Jude and Connor were going through, especially when viewed through the lens of her own relationship.

 

“Great, I’ll let you know when Connor’s on his way,” Mary told them.

 

“You’re sending him here, today?” Stef questioned.

 

“Yes, I can’t take seeing Connor so miserable for another minute.”

 

“Okay, well then, we will see him soon, I guess,” Lena replied, saying her goodbyes before hanging up the phone.  Mary then quickly strode up to her son’s room.

 

“Pack a bag Connor,” she commanded.  “You’re going to see Jude for a few days.”  Connor shot up from his bed, staring at his mother, eyes wide.

 

“Really?” he asked hopefully.  His mom was actually telling him to go see Jude?  He rubbed his eyes, wondering if he had somehow started napping; his dad would’ve never told him to go see Jude.  He would’ve tried to convince him to stay.  But here his mom was…

 

“Yes!  Now come on, we need to get you on a train ASAP!” Mary exclaimed, feeling her heart warm at the huge grin spreading across Connor’s face.

 

 

Jude was sitting on the couch, absentmindedly playing video games, not paying any mind to the front door opening and barely registering the body that had plopped down next to him.

 

“Hey,” Jude muttered, not taking his eyes off the game he was playing, but assuming (and this was usually a correct assumption) that it was one of his moms.

 

“Hey,” came the soft, familiar voice, as a hand reached over and gently pulled the controller from him, lacing his fingers between Jude’s.  Jude turned, gazing at the face for a moment.  He pinched himself; Connor couldn’t really be here, he must be dreaming.  But he pinched his arm, over and over again, and Connor wasn’t going anywhere, still sitting on the couch, right before his very eyes.  Jude tackled him onto the cushions.  He laid there for a moment, not meeting Connor’s eyes, instead burying his head into Connor’ neck, taking in his warmth up against him, trying to memorize Connor’s heart beat against his chest.  Finally he brought his face to meet Connor’s, messily smashing their lips together, his heart skipping a beat.  God how he missed this.

 

“I really, really missed you,” Jude whispered, squeezing Connor tightly to his chest, tears of relief pricking his eyes as he felt Connor’s strong arms hug him back.

 

“I love you,” Connor replied.  Connor didn’t have to say he missed him for Jude to know it; those three words more than said it.

 

“I love you too,” Jude murmured, lazily pressing his lips to Connor’s neck, wanting to stay there in Connor’s embrace for as long as the universe would let him.  Maybe, if he hoped hard enough, he would never have to leave his place in Connor’s arms.

 

Lena watched the whole scene play out from the living room entryway, struck by how Jude was more visibly relaxed; his body nearly limp, the tension completely melting away as he laid on top of Connor’s chest.

 

“We’re not going to make them sleep apart are we?” Lena asked, wandering into the kitchen to let the boys be alone.

 

“Love, we can’t allow that,” Stef responded sympathetically, though she doubted the words as she spoke them.

 

“They have relatively so little time together,” Lena countered.  “We can’t separate them while they’re here.  We—I can’t do that to them.”

 

“Are—are you sure we should let them?”

 

“I trust them,” Lena assured her.  “Trust me, when I talked to Jude a few weeks ago, it was _very_ clear that they would not be having sex anytime soon.”

 

“Well, if they’re going to behave, then I suppose,” Stef said, giving in both to Lena and her own instinct.

 

 

The last three days went by far too quickly for Connor’s liking.  He and Jude had spent every waking and non-waking moment together, and it was intoxicating, like a drug Connor was addicted to.  They were standing in the train station, waiting for Connor’s train to board, Connor leaning up against a wall as he held Jude in his arms.  He wasn’t sure that he could actually let go of Jude when the time came.  He didn’t know that he could leave him again.

 

“Please don’t go,” Jude whispered.  It was a terrible thing to say, Jude knew that, but he couldn’t help it.  He couldn’t stand the thought of going to sleep in an empty bed, not having anyone to cuddle with while he was watching TV, not having someone to hold his hand while he was just wandering around outside.  Everything he said a week ago about not wanting to be selfish went out the window in a split-second.  Goddammit, he felt like he needed Connor by his side forever.

 

“I wish I didn’t have to,” Connor mumbled back.  Connor’s words brought Jude back to his senses a little.  Connor had to go; he couldn’t be where he would have to be in order to stay.  Jude felt the tears sting his cheeks; why did love have to hurt him so much?

 

_5:30 train to Los Angeles now boarding_

It was time; Connor had to go now.  Jude messily brought their mouths together, not caring where his lips or tongue went, he just needed to taste Connor, to try and burn the feeling into his memory to last him until they saw each other again.

 

They stood there, bodies pressed flush, hands in each other’s hair, tears mingling together as they said goodbye, trying to keep every feeling alive as long as possible.

 

“I love you,” Connor gasped as Lena stepped in, gently pulling them apart.

 

“I love you too,” Jude blubbered, grabbing Connor and placing one last sloppy kiss on his face before Stef led Connor away, helping him onto his train.  Jude stood clutching his mama, watching until Connor disappeared from sight.  Lena sighed; yeah, this was definitely worse.

 

 

It was now two months since they last saw each other, and things were getting worse.  If Jude was surprised by how much missing Connor after four days affected him, then he was totally shocked and unprepared for how he would handle not seeing him for months.  Every day was getting harder; he felt like a robot, going through the motions of school, trying to keep it together.  He and Connor had been speaking less and less, the two of them both busy with classes and homework.  He had actually gone, once or twice, a few days without talking to Connor.  But even though that was rare, most days the best they could manage were still only a few stray texts during the day and an hour phone call at night.  The lack of contact was eating away at Jude from the inside out.

 

Lena’s heart broke every time she laid eyes on Jude.  The only reason Jude didn’t look like a complete mess was because she and Stef had been forcing Jude to take care of himself.  But no amount of forced care could erase the dark circles under his eyes that screamed to the whole world that Jude couldn’t sleep.  She never expected Jude to take it all this poorly, and she was at total loss for how to help him.  Jude soldiered on well enough, but there was only so long before he would crack.

 

Connor dealt with his pain in a different way; while Jude was almost depressed, Connor was angry.  Angry at the universe for being so unfair to him; because if only the universe had just given him a better father, if only the universe had let his mom stay in San Diego after the divorce…the list of Connor’s grievances against the universe and it’s apparently cruelty to him went on and on.  Connor turned surly towards anyone who wasn’t Jude; screaming at his mother, refusing to talk to his father, getting into scuffles with anyone at school who dared to even look at him the wrong way.

 

Mary was at the end of her rope.  Connor was his father’s child, and while she could deal with his father easily enough, she didn’t know what to do about Connor.  It all traced back to one common point, it didn’t take a genius to figure that out.  She didn’t know what to do; she couldn’t move to San Diego and she wasn’t sending Connor back to live with his father unless…as she tried to figure out what to do, a plan beginning to formulate in her head, she heard the doorbell ring, startling her.  It was almost midnight; who could be here at this time?

 

She opened the front door, revealing a tall, smartly dressed boy, with a face that told a far different story than his clothes did.  To say that his face looked disheveled was being kind, with his startlingly pale complexion, blood-shot eyes and splotchy cheeks.  Mary had never met Jude, but she was smart enough to guess that the boy in front of her was him.

 

“Jude, dear, what are you doing here?” Mary asked calmly, trying to suppress her motherly instinct; Jude obviously had snuck out to come see Connor.

 

Jude didn’t say a word, instead gesturing inside the house towards (what he hoped) was Connor’s room.

 

“Um yes, well, you look quite tired,” Mary stuttered, not entirely sure how to react and what she should allow Jude to do.  “Perhaps you should go to the guest room—” She barely finished the words “guest room” before Jude was giving her a dirty look.  She sighed: “Connor’s room is the first door on the left, top of the stairs.”  Jude didn’t say anything, pushing past her and bounding up the stairs, slamming the door to Connor’s room behind him.  Mary shut the front door, leaning up against it and fishing her phone out of her pocket.  It was already buzzing and she answered, putting the phone up to her ear.

 

“He’s already here if that’s what you’re wondering,” she said quickly, knowing that only Stef and Lena could be on the other end of the line.

 

“Oh, thank God!” Stef exclaimed at Mary’s words.

 

“What are we going to do?” Mary mused, totally exhausted.  This whole situation with Connor and Jude was starting to wear her out.

 

“Well for now, Jude’s going to have to stay there,” Lena replied.

 

“No, dear, that’s not what I meant,” Mary clarified.  “I haven’t seen Connor this miserable since the divorce.  He misses Jude so much.”

 

“I don’t know if you saw—”

 

“I did.”

 

“—But Jude isn’t taking this well at all,” Stef said.  “I’m really scared for them both.  I mean they’re just turning 14, and it’s obvious they have no coping skills whatsoever.  It’s only a matter of time before they lash out at someone else—”

 

“Or worse, each other,” Mary added.

 

“Look, it’s late,” Lena interrupted.  “We’re not likely to have a very constructive discussion about this right now.  Let’s talk in the morning so we can figure out how we’re getting Jude home, and while we’re at it, maybe we can figure out a solution to the bigger problem.”

 

“Alright,” Mary yawned.  “Talk to you in the morning then.”

 

 

Connor was just about to doze off when he heard the door to his room open and then slam shut.  He shot up, grabbing the baseball bat he kept next to his bed and flicking on the lamp next to his bed, ready to jump the intruder.

 

“It’s me,” croaked Jude, his voice rough, scratchy and yet still familiar.

 

“Jude?” Connor replied.  This time it was his turn to pinch his arm, wondering if he had actually fallen asleep.  The vision of Jude stayed clear in his eyes, and so Connor stood up, quickly closing the few feet between them and drawing Jude in tightly.  “What are you doing here?” Connor whispered, though honestly, he really didn’t care.

 

“I-I couldn’t stand it.  I had to see you,” Jude’s voice cracked, and Connor felt Jude start to shudder in his arms.  “I don’t know how much longer I can handle this distance between us.”

 

“Shh, let’s not talk about this right now,” Connor mumbled, shuffling with Jude over to his bed.  “Just sleep.”  Jude let out a long yawn, snuggling up into Connor and falling asleep in a matter of minutes. 

 

“I love you,” he breathed out just before he did.

 

“I love you too,” Connor replied, softly placing a kiss on the top of Jude’s head.

 

Connor watched him sleep, softly and gently playing with Jude’s hair, happy to see the pain erased from his face by sleep.  But Jude was right; he didn’t know how much longer he could handle this distance either.  Back when he first decided he was going to move, back when Jude first told him he loved him, Connor thought that knowing Jude loved him would make the transition easier, but it was only making it harder.

 

Connor knew that theirs wasn’t the average thirteen year old love; they were different.  Maybe it’s because he knew their love would last forever that the miles between them were so long and difficult to handle.  Connor was certain he would spend the rest of his life with Jude, and so he didn’t want to miss a single second, now or ever.

 

Connor looked back at the boy in his arms, taking in his pale face.  He couldn’t keep doing this to Jude.  They had to start doing something differently.

 

 

Mary had a nice long talk with Stef and Lena very early the next morning; they collectively decided that since today was Friday, Jude and Connor would skip school for the day, and Jude would stay with Connor until Sunday.  They needed some time together.  Mary relayed her plan to Stef and Lena.  They were skeptical that it would work, at best, but Mary didn’t care; she was sure she knew what she was doing.  So once she hung up, Mary was swinging her plan into action that hopefully would fix things for good.  She had been driving for three hours when she finally arrived.  She walked up, knocking firmly on the wooden door until it swung open.

 

“M-Mary,” the man opening the door stuttered.  “I’m really s-surprised to see you.”

 

“You can skip the niceties Adam,” she replied curtly.  “I’m here because we need to have a serious conversation about our son.”

 

“What about him?” Adam replied, ushering her into the kitchen.

 

“Don’t act like you don’t know, because I’m confident you do,” Mary quipped, already feeling her contempt for her ex-husband bubbling up and threatening to boil over.

 

“So this—this is about Jude then,” Adam answered with obvious irritation in his voice.  Mary nodded, her lips tightly pursed to keep from exploding at him.  “Look Mary, Connor’s out of my house, so I don’t want to deal with Jude.  He’s not my problem, and frankly I don’t care much for him, I mean he turned Connor gay!”

 

“Wow Adam, I didn’t realize you had your head shoved that far up your ass,” Mary retorted dryly.

 

“Excuse me?” Adam shouted.

 

“You mean to tell me that you didn’t once watch him on the playground as a kid?  You’ve never looked at his eyes when he’s out in public?  Adam, Connor was gay long before Jude ever came into the picture!” Mary quipped, furious at his ignorance.  It was times like this that she wondered what she ever saw in Adam.

 

“I-I,” Adam stuttered weakly.  She was right and Adam knew it.  He always saw the signs, but he never wanted to believe it.  Jude was a convenient scapegoat; it was something that he still hadn’t let go of.

 

“Jude is not to blame for any of this, and it’s time you stop punishing your son and the love of his life because of it,” Mary said sharply.

 

“L-love?”

 

“Yes Adam, they’re in love.  Just watching how they’ve handled being separated has made that crystal clear.”

 

“What d-do you mean?” Adam spluttered, starting to feel overwhelmed by his guilt.

 

“According to Stef and Lena, Jude doesn’t sleep, he only eats because they make him, he’s practically failing all of his classes and he doesn’t actually talk to anyone except Connor.  And then Connor is getting into fights at school every other day, he’s never happy, only angry and he can’t go a day without screaming at me about how you or I ruined his life.  He’s constantly irritable and surly, except when he talks to Jude on the phone.  He’s happy then, until he hangs up and then breaks down crying until he falls asleep.  They’re both literally falling apart without each other.  Surely even you can see that,” Mary explained.

 

That was it for Adam; he lost it, burying his head into his arms and crying.  He never wanted to hurt either of them like that.  He—he was just angry that he was asked to deal with something he never had the chance to prepare for.  And he had directed that anger in all the wrong ways, to all the wrong things and people.  He had hurt his son, the one thing he cared for more than anything else on the planet.  He thought that by letting Connor go with his mom, he would stop causing him pain, but he’d only made it worse.  Letting Connor go meant he was hours away from Jude.  Jude; that was the one constant in all of this.  He kept hurting Connor because of Jude.  He was guilty and he missed Connor.  He never thought that losing him would hurt the way it did.  Connor wouldn’t talk to him anymore.  Connor didn’t want anything to do with him.  Not that Adam could blame him for that.

 

With everything about Connor and Jude, and his own failures, laid out right here for him to see, clear as day, Adam finally got it.  Everything clicked into place.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Adam choked out.

 

“It’s not me you have to apologize to,” Mary chided, standing up and motioning for Adam to follow her as she headed for the door.  Adam willingly followed.

 

The ride back to Los Angeles was quiet and tense.  Adam and Mary never really got along, not since their marriage fell apart.  The only thing that kept them speaking was Connor.  He was still the common thread that tied them together.  Mary drummed her fingers on the steering wheel; Adam had finally figured his shit out, thank God, but there was no guaranteeing Connor would forgive his father.  And she had no intentions of forcing him to.  She sighed, glancing down at the clock on the radio.  Still two hours left on the road.  She could only hope that Adam would come up with the right words in that time.

 

 

Jude and Connor had both woke up, but still hadn’t moved from the bed.  Jude couldn’t bear to pull himself away from Connor; that was going to have to happen sooner than Jude wanted it to, and in the meantime, he wasn’t giving up a single second he had in Connor’s arms.

 

“So, what are we going to do Jude?” Connor asked, being the first to break the silence.

 

“I don’t know,” Jude replied, idly playing with the collar of Connor’s shirt.

 

“It’s obvious we just can’t go months without seeing each other.  That just isn’t working,” Connor commented.

 

“Thank you Captain Obvious,” Jude snorted.

 

“Oh shut up,” Connor retorted jokingly.  He didn’t want Jude to shut up, not while he was here.  He wanted Jude to talk for hours, just so he could listen to that voice, not distorted or modified by a microphone or speaker.  “What about weekend visits?” he suggested.

 

“You mean like every weekend?  Con, we can’t do that,” Jude rebuffed sadly.  The idea of seeing Connor every weekend was so tantalizing, it seemed like the perfect solution, but Jude knew they couldn’t do that.  It was basically impractical.

 

“Well maybe not like every weekend, but perhaps like one weekend a month?”

 

“I mean that’s someth—” Jude began before being interrupted by the slamming of the front door.

 

“Hi mom!” Connor yelled cheerily, though he didn’t get a response, so he turned back to Jude.  “Anyway, you were saying?”  But Jude didn’t continue.  He was staring at the door to Connor’s bedroom, his face having gone paler than Connor thought possible and his body tensing up in Connor’s arms.  Connor turned to see what had Jude so wound up, and freezing upon laying eyes on the man standing in his doorway.

 

“D-dad,” Connor stuttered.  “What are you d-doing here?”  Connor was surprised that his dad was at his mom’s house, but more surprising was his dad’s appearance.  His eyes and cheeks were red, Connor wondered if maybe from crying, and he wasn’t standing up tall, like he normally did.  His shoulders were slumped, his hands shoved into his pockets and his eyes trained on the carpet.

 

“I—um—"

 

"Dad?"

 

"Look, kid, I don’t know how exactly to say this to you, so I guess I’ll be blunt,” Adam said, drawing in a deep breath, moving toward the edge of the bed as he looked Connor right in the eye.  “I’ve been an ass, and a horrible father and I’m really sorry.  I’m not going to give you excuses for why I’ve failed you, because I'm not really sure that I have any that hold up.  But your mom, I guess, has given me better perspective about the effects of what I've been doing.  And I want to be honest with you—I can't say that I really understand what you feel for each other, given your age. But I can understand what others have been saying to me about how you two have handled being apart, and—well I suppose I have to apologize, to you son, for treating you so badly for just being who you are, and to the both you, for being so horrible to you about your relationship.  I know I don’t really deserve this, but Connor, I really miss you, and I want a second chance, to be the dad I’m supposed to be to you.  And I want to give you the chance to be closer to Jude; I know that you two really need each other.”

 

Connor gaped at his father; these were all words he never expected to hear his dad say.  Now granted, the apology wasn’t perfect, and Connor still had a lot of questions, but right now his brain couldn’t form the words to say what he wanted to.

 

“And why should I—we trust you Mr. Stevens?” Jude asked, practically speaking for him.  Jude had more issues with Adam than Connor did, though they all stemmed from Connor.  “Do you really accept him and me, or is this just some play to get him back under your control?”  Adam winced at the words.  _Under your control_.  Connor was his son, not someone he was supposed to control, but he had always been awful at letting Connor make his own decisions.  Jude was the first decision Connor ever made for himself, and now, Adam was starting to admit, that looked like a pretty smart choice.

 

“Jude, I know I’ve been really terrible to you.  Maybe I’ve even treated you worse than I have Connor, but I need you to know I mean every word.  I guess I now realize just how important you are to each other, and I hate myself for trying to drive a wedge between you two.  I love Connor so much, but I guess I just never knew the right way to go about loving him.  I thought I was protecting him.  I always thought that keeping you apart was the best thing, but hearing his mom tell me about how it’s been for you two since Connor moved here, it’s easy for me to see that I couldn’t have been more wrong.  I now understand that anyone that's important to Connor needs to be important to me, and I’m sorry. Sorry for not understanding and sorry for not realizing it sooner.”

 

Adam wasn’t sure how honest his ex-wife was being with him until he saw Jude; it hit Adam hard.  Jude was far from the bright, vibrant boy Adam always remembered seeing bounding through his front door.  He looked exhausted and he sounded tired.  Connor, on the outside, looked like he normally did, but looking into his eyes, Adam saw the same tiredness and he could also see Connor’s heart breaking at the sight of the boy he held in his arms.

 

Jude studied Adam closely; looking for signs that this wasn’t what it seemed.  But he heard nothing but sincerity in voice and genuineness in his expression and body language.  Connor was still staring in disbelief.  His dad looked like he meant all that he said, but that seemed so out of character that Connor didn’t believe it.

 

“If Connor wants to come back, I guess that’s up to him.  I’m not going to sway him one way or another,” Jude answered.  Jude wanted Connor to come home with his dad; it had been his biggest wish since Connor left.  But Connor had to trust his dad, and only Connor could decide if he did.

 

“Can—can I talk about it with mom first?” Connor finally said, sitting up.

 

“Yeah, sure.”

 

Connor stood up, grabbing Jude’s hand and tugging him along, going down to the living room where his mom sat waiting.

 

“Do you believe him?” Connor blurted out.  He really didn’t know what to think about his dad.  He felt like he’d been tricked by this sort of thing too many times before.

 

“I do Connor,” Mary replied softly.

 

“I do too,” Jude added.

 

“But you know, if you’re really worried about this, if you go back and things don’t work out, I promise you’ll always have a place here,” Mary assured him.

 

“Okay,” Connor muttered, turning to look at Jude, who was trying to keep his expression as neutral as possible.  “Okay.  Yeah, I guess I’ll go back with dad.”

 

Jude made no attempt to hide the grin splitting his face as he squeezed Connor’s hand.

 

“Well then, you better get packing,” Mary smiled.  “You’re going to want to be ready in time to catch the evening train.”

 

“Thanks mom, you know, for everything,” Connor whispered, embracing his mother tightly.

 

“Anytime, son.”  Connor turned and bounded up the stairs, and Jude was about to follow when Mary grabbed his arm, stopping him in his tracks.  “If you think anything is going wrong over there, at all, you’ll let me know, right?”

 

“I promise you’ll know Mrs. Stevens,” Jude replied.  He believed Adam, but if he ever thought something wasn’t right, he was going to get Connor out of there.  It’s like when he first let him go; he loved him too much to let him stay suffering in his dad’s house.

 

“Okay then.  You better go help him pack then,” she said, giving Jude a gentle pat on the back and a small shove towards the stairs.

 

 

The four of them stood on the platform of the train station.

 

“Now you be good for your dad, okay?” Mary said, addressing Connor.

 

“Of course I will mom,” Connor groaned.  He hated when his mom fussed over him like she was now.

 

“And Adam,” she continued, glaring at him.  She said nothing more, and Adam gave her a timid thumbs up.  “Alright, well I best get going.  I’ll see you all later!”

 

Jude gave her a wave before turning back, grabbing Connor’s hand and lacing their fingers together.  Connor tensed up, looking over at his dad, who gave him a small smile.  Connor relaxed, and Jude felt practically giddy inside.  Adam really had changed.  He didn’t know how, but the Adam he remembered would’ve either grimaced at the sight of them holding hands, or would’ve ignored the gesture entirely.

 

“So Jude, how’s school going for you?” Adam asked casually.  Jude was caught off-guard.  Holy shit, this was like a whole new man; Adam never had made small talk with him before.  Adam usually liked to pretend he didn’t exist whenever he could manage it.

 

“W-well I’m sure if Mrs. Stevens told you the whole story, you’d probably know I’m not doing so good,” Jude stuttered.

 

“Ah, I should’ve guessed,” Adam chuckled.  “But I assume that’s not going to be a problem now?”

 

“Oh, not at all, w-won’t be a problem anymore,” Jude spluttered, even though he was grinning at what Adam was implying.  Connor was smiling, wider than Jude had seen him smile since the day that he walked into Connor’s hospital room, wearing his warpaint.

 

_5:30 train to San Diego now boarding._

 

“That’s our cue,” Adam said, picking up Connor’s suitcase and leading the boys onto the train.  They all sat down, all feeling relieved.  Connor was coming back to San Diego, and this time, he actually had a home.  Not just a house and someone taking care of him, he actually had a home and parent this time around.  And Jude was happy knowing that they’d never be separated like that again.


End file.
